From inside a shark egg

a lesson in integration

Substack #8

What I’m listening to as I write this:

December is time for osoji. Osoji is a widely practiced Japanese ritual that translates into “big cleaning.” My newsletter is a bit different (ie very long) this month because I just came back from 4 days of psychedelic assisted therapy. For me, ketamine therapy was a bit like osoji, but we cleared some space in my mind instead of my apartment.

Osoji asks us to get rid of everything that is no longer working for us. We remove everything from the past year that may have cluttered or soiled our lives. Making intentional space for what we’d like to keep and what we’d like to release. This is a time to close cycles and make way for new ones.

All this so we can approach the new year free from bad spirits and with a lighter heart. Insha'Allah

Taking a walk around to the corners of my mind offered me an opportunity to sift through a lot of mental clutter. Since I’ve been back I’ve been "integrating." This means I've been trying to figure out what I need to make intentional space for and what I need to thank and compost.

But before I get any deeper into it, let’s take a quick break for some science 101: why ketamine therapy?

Studies have proven exposure to chronic stress and childhood trauma can alter our brains. Emotional trauma impairs areas responsible for things like attention, impulse inhibition, memory, and cognitive flexibility. If we know that trauma can change our brains, then why are trauma survivors often expected to heal through talk therapy alone? When someone breaks a bone we address the physical and emotional break. I’ve been living with CPTSD for most of my life and taking ketamine in a therapeutic context is one of many tools available to me that helps disrupt trauma induced maladaptive circuit patterns (think chronic depression, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation).

“No longer able to follow the well worn path of negative rumination, the brain comes up with alternative resting state activities.”

The analogy given to me to explain how all this works involves fresh snow. Imagine that your established thought patterns are existing trails on a mountain. Ketamine is like a blanket of fresh snow, it increases BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor - a protein that promotes growth) and decreases activity in our DMN (our brains default mode network - the area that sustains our everyday negative, ruminating thought patterns). This fresh snow fills in those preexisting trails and makes it a little easier to forge new paths. The ketamine induced snowfall is a window of neuro plasticity, a time for you to break old thought patterns and build new ones.

But, I’m here to tell you, while the trip is fucking wild, psychedelics don’t necessarily change your life, you do. New awareness doesn’t automatically equal new actions.

*the actual ketamine trip it’s kinda like having no physical body, but being able to feel everything and nothing all at once, and then mix in some truly breathtaking visuals - at one point I was taking a nap inside this shark egg, Wallah* - (also if you just wanna do psychedelics to do psychedelics - that’s ok too, it can be fun and you deserve that, you do you boo)

To be clear, psychedelic therapy without integration can only go so far. Integration is the process of turning that awareness into some form of change in your life. When all that snow starts to melt, you have to reconcile those old paths with new ones that have emerged. And using those new pathways takes practice.

For example, my past few sessions have helped me to see where I can mindfully widen the gap between a stimulus and my response to it. Remember osoji? Well, I feel like I’ve made space, put the things I don’t need out on the curb, and that means am left without my old habits. Now, I need to learn how build new ones. Which can be unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and honestly, even a little ugly at times.

Why am I telling you all this?

Well, it’s New Year’s Eve. The one time a year in the US when everyone, to some extent, is reflecting, cleansing, and clearing. Around this time we optimistically look ahead, make resolutions, and commit to new habits.

But sometimes the optimism of January fades into frustration by February. After all that reflecting, cleaning, and clearing somehow things tend to return to how they were before. Our world favors instant gratification. Integrating lessons and new behaviors asks us to be patient, spacious, and compassionate. (very appropriate for capricorn szn) All those things rarely come with anything "instant.” Queer, BIPOC, immigrant, working class, disabled etc etc. communities are rarely given space to exist, let alone heal. I myself have only made it this far because I have received help from others, my class privilege, and my steady health insurance through my job.

I wanted to reflect with you as we all prepare for whatever 2023 may bring. While we can’t predict what is to come, one thing I do know is that I hope to get better at cultivating patience, compassion, and spaciousness for myself and others. We will need it as our communities heal and we navigate those unfamiliar and uncomfortable moments of growth. Hell, at least I know I will need it.

A special thank you to my therapist, integration group, and my loving community that continues to support me through this process. And thank you all for saying yes to this newsletter for the last six months.

Hope to see you in the new year.

with love and care,

Bianca

p.s. Thank you Lauren, Cedric, Irma, Kirin, Hishaam, Alex, Miya, & Kamala for becoming paid subscribers last month. Appreciate your support!

For end of year reflection prompts, book recommendations, and psychedelic integration journal - upgrade to a paid subscribtion.