substack #37
Hi, I’m Bianca — Artist, Professor, & Creative Strategist in Los Angeles. In case you are new here or if a reminder could help, this newsletter began as an exploration of figuring things out, one day at a time. Upgrade to a paid subscription to make sure you never miss out on the really good stuff.
Hi Friends,
It’s been hard to write to you these past few weeks.
A lot has been coming up for me as we continue to watch the violence unfold in Palestine. But I haven’t really shared many of my personal feelings. I felt like they didn’t matter much during a time when we needed to educate, organize, and mobilize folks into action. I also did not want to process anything personal online or in public.
I worked in rapid response organizing for five years. Reflecting on that time over the past few weeks I realized rapid response organizing gave me a professional excuse to compartmentalize my feelings. So many trauma survivors live in that space of disassociating, organizing, and jumping into action. It’s not a sustainable way of building, but it is a way of working regularly rewarded and exploited by the nonprofit industrial complex.
This week I need to write to you all as someone struggling to personally navigate the current moment. Not as an authority on anything. This week’s goal is not to link you to the right actions or give you the best most thought-provoking readings, but to make some space for me as an Arab, Muslim, daughter of immigrants living with the privilege and pain of survivor’s guilt.
I expected to be horrified at violence. But I have been surprised to also find myself breaking down in moments where I see Palestinians and Arabs standing in their dignity and humanity. In these moments especially, I see my family. As Palestinian women give birth in Gaza, I think of my Teta leaving the war in Lebanon to give birth to my dad in Syria. When I hear Bisan grieve her cat and comfort her friends in Arabic, I hear my Auntie’s voice soothe her own orange cat, Oscar. I felt my quiet rage swell when I watched Mohammed Hussein stay calm and collected as he was harrassed by Former Obama administration adviser and State Department official Stuart Seldowitz. A mirror to my own experiences watching my Dad conduct business in Islamophic Orange County.
This week I am doing what I can and honoring where I am at right now. If you are in LA - come gather in community to hear me and other queer Muslims share our Love Letters. Or if you need a space to just be, I’ll be holding a sound bath and meditation at the Robinson SPACE on Saturday.
Until next week. With love,
Bianca
This Week: Los Angeles
Thing Helping Me Figure Things Out
I’ve really been feeling nourished by
’s weekly writing. If you don’t subscribe to her already please pause and go do so - I hope to build a writing practice like her’s. Last week she shared Jowan Safadi’s avant-garde-Palestinian-rock album. She’s right, it’s fantastic.
When I need comfort I always turn to books - what I’ve been revisiting from my library this week
A Note:
I’ve loved writing these newsletters. Over the last year, this space has been a place for me to experiment with formats, tones, and subjects. Set small deadlines. Build relationships. Welcome opportunities. I’m no longer a paid organizer or have the structural support of an organization. I’m grateful for every single one of you who has been engaging with this space and encouraging me to keep writing and sharing. If you like my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber to support me and my work during my season of transition.